Tonight i met the tears of the fine line..

Tonight i met the tears of the fine line…

This week i had a couple of thank you messages for all the honest mummy posts ive been sharing on instagram.. its been quite encouraging to hear that other mums out there value the honesty even if it has a touch of sarcasim..but tonight i wanted to share a little deeper.. ive way too much fear of opening up but sometimes its the only way to make sense.. 

Facebook, instagram, social media can be so deceiving.. the happy snaps.. the “i did this”, or “we got that” the #perfectworld but behind closed doors your dying inside.. tell me im not the only mum right.. ?

The last few weeks have been a rollar coaster (more about that in another few weeks ūüėČ) and tonight it hit me! 

Time for a Confession ~ Today the girls played for five minuets or so i thought without me up stairs.. i was putting away washing when i realized i was in the kitchen, they were upstairs … i was alone.. away from them for 5 seconds

What should i do.. wee, drink coffee, take a nap (unrealistic) eat chocolate or better yet pull out the tub of icecream because who cant resist mint icecream at 3 pm in the arvo….  “mummy where are you” Ruby starts yelling..

*Insert eye rolling*…

 in that second i had too lie “fixing your train set” in goes another spoonful of icecream..

Yep it was my escape.. for today any way..  
See im not a social butterfly.. i dont have a million and one mum friends i chat with, wine with, coffee with, or rant with.. infact i dont really have a tribe of mummy friends to call my own its just me day in day out with my block of chocolate.. and whilst im in a lonely place right now I’m thankful for the husband who came home tonight and after putting the girls to bed listened to me sob! 

“Its been a wild day… a long week.. so guess what i did today..” 

.. “hide in the bathroom” he responds..

“Nope..weeing alone was so yesterday.. today it was the tub of ice cream” ūüė≤
#yougottadowhatyougottado right?
We can’t have it all.. unicorns, rainbows… make the cake and eat it… you see im realizing after having a couple weeks of life building up..to find the fine line..

Fine line of me time 

Fine line of letting the house be trashed

Fine line of study

Fine line of giving the kids attention.. fine line of hubby and i time because the line of life in general takes over and its not until its too late you realize … wow thats where those 3kgs came from! 

Ha!

Everything builds up and before you know it your jenga’s falling over..  

But i wanted to share.. not because im putting a wanted ad out there to find my tribe.. not to get attention.. not to say look at me.. but to say despite facebook or my insta stories.. i dont have it together and thats ok..

I learnt tonight that its actually ok to not be ok! 

Its just learning to find that fine line.. 

And you know I hope one day when i find my tribe i can reassure someone that they dont have to be ok either.. 

Being a mum is hard..the demands of our kids, and the expectations of society.. but despite it all… the hard days..the sucky days… the choclate filled days..or hiding downstairs eating icecream days..one day itll all be over and ill be laughing wondeing why i was wishing the days to be over.. 

cry if you need to.. laugh if you need too.. eat chocolate if you need too..vent somehow somewhere if you need too but dont ever forget that somewhere amongst life..theres a fine line..its where you who matters stands! 

so dont let go of your fine line..its ok to not be ok!

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Birth story Рlittle Z 

‚ÄčI always used to cringe when i saw a birth story shared… i always wondered why…having been through birth twice now i can see when such a pivotal moment is made and literally life giving there is no reason to not share! One of the best achievements i have yet. So for all the bloggers out there that have asked for it..here it is our story. 

 6.30am on a thursday morning im outside watching my two girls play, this time last year I was preparing myself for my midwifery appointment i was officially a week over due. The whole pregnancy had  been pretty good apart from the usual tiredness that comes with chasing around an energetic toddler as well.
My first was overdue too, i assumed id be allowed to go so long over this time too. That day we went in to the clinic, i was asked all the normal questions, babies heartbeat was a tad fast, did some tests and then it came the discussion of being induced, the word i dreaded… induced…

 Im not one to go making any official birth plans, ive always been happy to go with the flow however it was only then when i heard the word induced i felt totally out of control…i left the appointment feeling miserable.
 I remember sobbing the whole way home.. before little Rs bedtime her and my husband both hugged me and she prayed her goodnight prayer, so did i hoping this baby could join us the way i wanted with no intervention of being induced. I went and filled the bathtub up and sat in it little did i know tomorrow would not only be a whole nother day but it would be the day id become a mum too two. 
The whole night i tossed and turned, i didnt sleep at all and if I did i was waking at ten miniute intervals…id been having a lot of pain the last few nights anyway so i couldnt remember if it was how contractions felt. By morning my pain was 3 mins apart it was definatly contractions.. i rang the hospital they were already expecting me for tests but i wanted to ask if i could come in earlier. It was no problem. My hubby dropped me at the door and and took our other one to the park. I had my test done and told them the pain was getting closer, id only been in 2 days before hand to monitor bub and have a S&S. Even though my contractions were close together there was not much movement down below. The midwife suggested to go and sit in the waiting room or to go home so i was a bit more calm but that was the last thing i wanted…now i knew it had started i was ready for it to just happen. I opted leaving, mums house was up the road and she was on the way in i slowly tried to make it back to meet her at the hospital, the pain of walking was un bearable. 

Hubby had already gone home because he hadnt heard from me and the little one needed a sleep. I called him and told him id be going back in later so once little R had woken he was on his way back in too.
 I spent an hour pacing around mums house, always stopping in a corner when the contraction came through…corners were my thing in my first birth too! 

An hour had passed since id been to the hospital i called my husband and said to get to mums asap because i was about to call the hospital as contractions were one min apart. I remember hugging R so tight “see you soon” i said..this was it and i knew it…all the fear that had built up over the last few days was about to end.

 Arrived at 2pm straight into shower and onto gas… i couldnt do gas with my other birth so this was quite the joyful experiance. I was 7 cm and it felt like she was ready than ever. As i was enjoying the hot shower i remember discussing with hubby what we should do in terms of little R being at nannys for the night depending on how long it would take. “whats the bet baby will be here by 4?” I remember saying. we were debating from previous experiance. Although i went in with little R at 8cm she was still 7 hours away… but this time i just had that gut feeling it wouldnt be long.

 All of a sudden  the midwifes got me out of the shower and onto the bed, her heart rate was getting faster and they assumed she was stressing out a little. 
The most annoying thing was being contained with contractions on the bed. They continued monitoring but  her but her heart rate kept soaring. They suggested breaking waters which i had done with baby number one so i agreed and no sonner they did this they were hooking a cord up onto her head this stressed me to the max i had no idea what was happening. 

I was on all fours on the bed..different to number one again with her she was a ‘on my back birth’.

I remember the feeling of wanting to push but scared and suddenly all the feelings came flooding back…I needed something to distract me …anything.. so i looked at the only thing i was staring at infront of me and started biting the bed… (they did say whatever works right…whoops)
 I looked at the time almost 4pm id been there for 2 hours and she was on her way.

 Those few minutes of pushing felt like forever. I could hear the midwifes conversation and  remember asking “is the baby alright, whats happening is it alright? ”  they of course kept reassuring me but all i could hear was the focus on babies heart rate soaring. Ive never been so afraid as what i was in those final moments. I had a million thoughts rushing through my head and although i wanted them to be positive i was scared and thinking the worst.

4.08pm on the 10th of February  there she was a happy little girl. I wanted to cry like i did with my first birth…but for some reason I couldnt I was more so relieved and shocked the moment was finally here.

That night however was seriously  the worst night. I remember going to sleep and waking to little Z vomitting i called the nurse in and they explained it was becasue she had swallowed so much crap on her way out. To be honest i was terrified i wouldnt hear her vomit if i went back to sleep, but they assured me i would hear her..i dozed off and suddenly woke again sure enough there was more vomit,I couldnt sleep, i had to stay awake. By 2am they assured me a peads nurse was on her way…i laid awake for 2 hours watching my baby finally at 4 am a peads nurse came to check up on little Z.  She attatched a monitor to read her breathing.


 By breakfast time the vommiting had stopped but they mentioned she would have to stay in for another day and night to keep on monitoring her. I was unsure of the whys and what, i was tired and emotional. Her heart rate was steady  but breathing was loud they told me to rest and that they would book me in to go and see the ‘ear, nose and throat clinic’ which was downstairs later in the day.

By mid afternoon i headed down to the clinic. They scoped her and noted a nostril was blocked, unfarmiliar with their language they told me it was probably a slight case of ‘larynglomecia’ 

right…

And that means??? 

Something to do with nosiy breathing obviously…

The 2nd night in the hospital seemed to be a bit better but all i wanted to  do was go home..  

The next day they asked if I wanted another night in…it was a big no from me. 

Sure enough i was leaving by the afternoon. Its such a weird feeling, un explainable. Here i was… all the fear of wanting to birth my way, of wanting a healthy baby, of wanting it to be over and two days there i am walking out blessed with not one but two girls. 

The next few months were a struggle, not something really ever talked about. You just seem to go through the motions. Everyone preps you in there own way as to how hard it will be on the toddler but you actually never know, like birth until your in the moment. 
We had to push through a bit of jealousy…do you blame her? We had to push through a few tantrums, a few tears and obviously the sleepless nights. 

It takes getting used to again thats for sure but this year has grown us all. 

Little z continues her appointments at the ENT clinic but has definatly improved. For those who have only just started following my blog there is a previous blog post  explaining exactly what she had/has. (Larynglomecia, floppy airway hence the noisy breathing she is definatly outgrowing it. It gets worse before it gets better and i think were on the other side of it now. If you listen you can still hear it when she moves but no where near as bad as the first few months. We actually had a appointment just the other day and she doesnt need to go back for another 6 months…yay!)

Her first birthday is tomorrow, its been one year with her, that’s for sure…. you know as they say having a child is like wearing your heart outside your body …it couldnt be more true. 

 Every day is worth it ‚̧

One year later my little girl is happy and healthy! She is walking, climbing, and laughing!  I have moments where I just squeeze her tight and give thanks that i have her! 
Child birth, for sure is an adventure. Yet here I am, a mother of two beautiful, healthy girls I count it as  a huge blessing!!


Happy first birthday bub bub!

Jess x 

 

My 2016 parenting gig

‚ÄčTwo weeks after my husband returned to work after i had zara earlier in the year i stood in the driveway and literally cried, as my eldest waved goodbye..stupid i know.. I wondered how i would take on the ‘everyday’ with two kids on my own attending their needs all the damn time.. 

Im making it sound as though my husband wasnt coming home.. but the first few weeks of the year were a tad hard With the whole new parenting gig..it was toddler vs new baby…and that meant a few more world wars to add to the book..

Fast forward 10 months because im leaving that middle bit for a rainy day im asking myself where the year has gone with these  two?

There’s been days when they’ve honestly had me in tears and then days where they have melted my heart and im filled with such joy.

Somedays all ive wanted to do is sleep, somedays ive yelled, ive smacked, ive gone crazy, lost patience, gained a extra fat roll made from chocolate, somedays ive squished them with love and other days ive asked google why the baby screams and the toddler crys…. man i know no one said parenting would be easy…its actually quite draining, quite hard, quite eventful, quite boring, quite emotional, quite funny, quite messy, quite a time filled with so much love that I know ill never get back. 
I left the hospital it February with everyone telling me to enjoy my bundle of joy…that she is and that i did but no one said to remember patience, to remember to ask for help, that its ok to cry, that the early years are the hardest…no one remembered to mention that although you will be tired, you will fail through your own eyes, you will struggle, and no one mentioned you will also be rewarded…
 As i sit here and think about the girls and how somedays i wish they would just get along through all the well presented social media photos and status i also see myself looking forward to the next year..with each day that passes they get a little older and to

watch them love a little more, grow a little more,

 and find themselves a little more…. its so damn wonderful…
Its rewarding if we make it…
Being a parent is such a journey within your family unit but also within you as you grow, learn and discover the very weakness that brings you down, but then your brought together again by one moment of love and you wonder why the heck you let a month of shittiness get to you! 
Just recenently for instance i realized i can be my very own worst enemy and critique
Stop yelling, they get louder, let them scream it out, tantrum it out, let them deal with their shit…stop stepping in as a typical mum thing and breathe…  and you know it worked…today they fought it out over one thing..and i breathed, watched, and it was over…
Yep.. sounds too simple, too easy but for me…it was rewarding and something i had to do and only now im realizing…
2017 im sure there will be many more days filled with tears, but im sure there will be equal if not more days filled with love…
What can i say…being a parent this year has made me realize we do it for them..but we do it for ourselves more importantly its not about being perfect but real,

 not about their behaviour but how we react with ours, 

Yep The days are bloody long, 

But the years… they are oh so short!
Heres to enjoying the next year ahead with my girls and whatever it may bring!


Jess x 

Breathing whilst balancing!

‚ÄčKids just know when your stressed dont they…its like they can smell it, taste it in the air even…

Its been a long time i know, ive picked up the dusty study books again…or should i say in this day and age the laptop…yep 3 weeks into uni life and i cant believe im still somewhat swimming..
Lucky me! Seriousily though… balance..i want to know how you all do it?

… Im a stay at home mum and im taking my hats off to all you working mums who still study and take time for your little ones whilst running a house..

 How do you do it? 

Im learning to find the balance and its really hard…they want my attention all the damn time and i want to write just one more thing, cite one more article, ask one more question and i find myself wrestling with it because now im a guilty mumma who let her child live in her pjamas all day eating popcorn and watching telly…whoops did i just say that? 
So then I go to the next extreme and get the paint out, the water play out…the ball pit out all so i can call myself a good mumma…
God knows why i feel like i need to earn some title though…

Im trying to learn to breathe, one day at a time. Tomorrow im venturing out of the house to the library ..woop woop i feel i need to do something for them because at the moment im #shitmumming it… or so it feels
My three year old looked me in the eye the other day and asked me why i need to look at my phone again…

Broke my heart…. i wanted to know a answer to a question i asked about an assignemnt but right there and then she…my 3 year old broke me…

So tell me friends  how do you do it? Be mum, yet be everything else the world demands you to be as well? 
Hints, tips ill take them while i sit here and breathe! 

Jess x 

I got called a ‘young mum’ …. let me apologize for the judgement..¬†

So what era did you grow up in and what sterotype did it bring with it?

A Marriage before anything

Career first

Buying your own house

The saying that the man of the house has to be the bread winner?

Its amazing society creates such absurd ways…. Different eras have been brought up in differing ways and of course each generation has it‚Äôs differing stereotypes, issues of that time and their idea of how to live in the most ‚Äėsocially acceptable‚Äô way.

Its only been recent but I’ve found mine..
“Oh you look too young to be a mum”

Yep I’m the ‘young mum’ generation apparently…although I don’t consider myself young and maybe I’m not its all I’ve heard of late…. tell them I’m 26…. I’ll be 30 in the blink of an eye…two kids and then watch their brains tick as they do the maths… well well done Einstein my first baby was concieved somewhere between age 22 & 23 is there anything else you want to know love?

Seriously though the last few weeks when I haven’t had children attatched milking me or screaming at me I’ve been questioned what I do and when the mummy title comes up…boy I don’t hear the end of it..

Is there any praise out there for those of us that do it this way? Whatever way it is?

I pretend its a compliment because maybe just maybe it is.. I hope my age never catches up…but to be honest I get slightly offended too…

A recent trip to an appointment caught me off guard when I started being asked my age and how far apart my kids were… its like she was insinuating I had nothing better to do and so I went and got pregnant.. yeah cause I was bored and all…where was my career? Shouldn’t I have studied, lived and then started a family? Who looks after the children.. Where are they now?

I started getting really frustrated and wanted to scream at her to stop with the sly judgement through the 101 questions… it wasn’t right and I felt so awkward… a young mum to me is someone still in school but hey why does that matter to you… to me .. Or to her?

And then I remembered you! All the times I’ve been there judging you silently because of decisions you’ve made as a parent, with a career, or without a partner, or how old/young you are…. I don’t know you, I don’t know your circumstance and who am I to judge?
So here’s my apology… to those of you I have ever judged or to those who have felt judged by other mums let me say I’m sorry..

To the stay at home dad, the working mum, single mum, career focused woman, you’re all doing no doubt an amazing job.. and here’s one to you ‘young mums’ as they call it well done, its not said alot, we’re not praised enough, you made the decision to break the mould have children before a career, maybe it was a surprise, maybe your still in school, maybe your about to hit 30..age doesn’t define the parent you are..

Your a ¬†fantastic mum, we’re messy mums, drop out of school mums, somedays we’re shit mums, nuggets and chips mums, we’re 30 something, or 40 something new mums, we’re mums that love our kids to death and we’re just like any other mum…

Remember your ¬†age doesn’t define your parenting..you do!
Jess x

Mum, a title just above queen..

“So what do you do with yourself?” The conversation started at my dentist appointment this week…

Im never caught off guard with this one, its a line im forever repeating when people ask

“Im just a mum” I reply

 the conversation continues something along the lines with how busy i must be whilst we all focus on me the women who portrays herself as ‘just a mum’ i normally try to focus talking about my ratty kids and how its so fun going to the dentist because i get a break but normally there is another question about me and for that sometimes i have to stop and think… 

Its so natural isn’t it though to blurt “im just a mum” yet then we struggle to think when asked about..hobbies, and what we do all day… well im just a mum doesnt the young dental assistant get what that entitles? 

I clean shit up, i make lunch, one goes to sleep just as the other wakes, i mop the lunch mess up, i throw washing in a pile while I’m chasing the toddler around the house screaming and threatning to send her to her room, and then im cleaning shit up again…

Im a mum alright what would make my day sound so riverting that she would be interested?…i get it though in a job like that small talk is necessary..takes the nerves away…something that a strong drink would seriousily do better but hey.

Maybe i should lie then and tell her i went out for coffee, or spent the day sunbaking at the beach, or i went to the gym, maybe she would not only be interested but maybe she may actually think im cool or something 

Ha!

“I took my 3 year old for a swim today” I blurt  cause thats sounds so interesting and all….the conversation continued as i thought it would but the whole way home I couldn’t stop thinking about my the famous line ‘just a mum’ 

I pulled into the garage, my three year old waiting for me waving, comes running out asking about the ‘tooth doctor’ as we call it jumping up and down with excitiment i dont think she really cared as she then proceeded to tell me all about her time with daddy. 

I thought about our day, as i climbed into bed, somedays its seems so mudane, day in, day out but all those moments that make up a day, they make the life you live too.. 

My 3 year old loved that we had one on one time while the baby slept in the pram today, we went for a swim

My three year old sat cuddling me on the couch today for but a few minutes only to jump off and tell me she was hungry 

My three year old turned to me and told me she loved me today

My three year old had a tantrum but then although i made her she still said sorry

 My babys face lit up several times today 

My baby stood for the first time all by herself today 

My girls, they love me, to them somedays im a scraming crazy lady, the next minute im kissing boo boos, only several minuets later to be breaking up a argument…so many roles  to then imply im ‘just a mum’

Im not just..  im their mum

And being a mum too 1, 2 or 5 surely that has to beat anything right? even if you juggle work, your are a single mum, or a stay at home mum…whichever mum you are being ‘just a mum’ doesnt cut it… maybe its what it seems to you but to them they see you – a tired mum, exhausted mum, a happy mum..and all those things that you run around crazy doing for them.. they may sound like their not a big deal, feeding, bathing, dressing, cleaning, a speckle in your day, yet they make up the day, the time spent together, those moments can be a big deal to such a little person because they make you THEIR mum.

And for what it’s worth.. your not JUST!

Jess x 

Seasons 

I went walking this morning, got to a intersection, i wanted to go one way, my toddler wanted to go the other, if the baby had been awake she would have no doubt had her say too..

Getting to a crossroad is like passing through another season or even choosing which way to go in that season..if only this mornings walk had been literal in that sense. Id be happy right about now to change the season my family is in. 

In short my head has been in a constant battle with thoughts and feelings lately..ok maybe daily for like the last couple of weeks.. it wasnt until the recent weekend we had away when we went camping and suprise hubby and i got to talk…something that feels like never happens apart from on a “how was work today?” Basis because god forbid you have a meaningful deep conversation when there is kids around #whohastimefordeepshit? 

So here we are talking, tossing ideas and thoughts about our current situation and suddenly something just clicked…suddenly i was at peace about everything that i hated the sound of and suddenly im wondering how on earth it was that easy for our heads to go from feeling muddled up, and cloudy having no freaking idea which path to take, suddenly my head was clear like it had been wiped and it all made complete sense…. 
Yes I sit here and write this and still have a couple of doubts about our recent decisions but you know what… the most part of me is at peace and i think with anything there will always be doubts because were always trying to compare and then fight with pressure its just how it is..its a big season for us making some decisions and for the most part weve been unsure, & fighting everything, a season of no idea. Obviously  we still have to ride this season out but for the most part of it we have a little direction, i know which way to go to hopefully help us finish the season .. during all this someone approached me and said the good old favourite “this too shall pass” they were trying to be helpful but man i hate that phrase who wants to hear it when life sucks? Maybe sympathsize with me and youll be my best friend…but no one really knows what to say when they can see how much life sucks for you…so i took it  and continued on.
Ahh seasons .. you love them you hate them, some are easy and some are freaking hard! 

Whats your season at the moment? 

To the mum whose child is teething this is your season

To the mum whose toddler has learnt what a meltdown is this is your season

To the mum who day in day out is dealing with a physically, or mentally ill child this is your season 

To the mum trying to find her identity this is your season 

To the mum whoses new to this ‘mummy life’ this is your season 

To the mum who works, who stays at home or juggles both this is your season 

To the mum who has just taken on single life this is your season 

To the mum that feels alone this is your season 

To the mum reading this….one of these maybe your current season and man its hard..i hear you… theres no escaping were always in a season….they come and they go..

I currently have a teething baby, its almost been a week of clingyness, crying, irratability, no sleep and a toddler that demands attention  too… on top of that the battle im fighting within my own head about life.. 

Before any of you say it.. i know to some a teething baby is nothing, you live with a sick child day in day out, your battle is probably bigger than mine i shall not compare but i see you and your season is hard too.

Were all at differnet stages, going through our own seasons, dealing with different balls being thrown our way. Maybe its guilt because you work to support your family, maybe its because your a stay at home mum..maybe you should clean the house more, maybe you should get your body into shape, maybe you should rid all the suger in your house, maybe you should try a little harder in your marriage, maybe you should just get dressed today… 
Maybe you should stop worrying, & stop comparing…but maybe you cant do any of it because its a freaking hard season.

Where you are rignt now, your in a season

 – sick children, decision making, marriage failing,

I dont wanna sound like i know it all because i definatly dont and my season still sucks but wow time away helped us we have a new perspective on things and sometimes the sucky season helps you see what you do have and what you can and how easy it is to take things for granted.

My teething baby, im thankful im a stay at home mum I can sit and nurse her all day

Our undesicive few weeks im thankful for because with all the thinking back and forth we now have clear direction by eliminating all those sucky thoughts.

  take some time away, go for a walk, dont feel bad about your midday nap, read a book, have a coffee, sit down and talk with someone, ask for help, accept that this season is hard,  but most of all find it within yourself to be thankful..

 There is something about thankfulness that shifts our perspective from what we do not have, to what we do have.  

So although Your season is hard its beautiful too, although your season sucks and you cant see the light, although your season makes you want to cry, although your season is lonely although your season has only started, although your there in the midst of your season dont stand still, cross the road, keep going..

And im not writting this because of my recent revelation, im writting this to me to encourage me and my hubby to keep going i know come 5 years time we will look on this season and remember it because it was that season amongst others that will get us to where we need to be..

Life is unpredictable 

It changes with the seasons, even your coldest winter happens for the best of reasons, and though it feels eternal, like all youll ever do is freeze, i promise spring is coming and with it, brand new leaves

Your season is hard but man your season is beautiful.

Jess x