Tonight i met the tears of the fine line..

Tonight i met the tears of the fine line…

This week i had a couple of thank you messages for all the honest mummy posts ive been sharing on instagram.. its been quite encouraging to hear that other mums out there value the honesty even if it has a touch of sarcasim..but tonight i wanted to share a little deeper.. ive way too much fear of opening up but sometimes its the only way to make sense.. 

Facebook, instagram, social media can be so deceiving.. the happy snaps.. the “i did this”, or “we got that” the #perfectworld but behind closed doors your dying inside.. tell me im not the only mum right.. ?

The last few weeks have been a rollar coaster (more about that in another few weeks 😉) and tonight it hit me! 

Time for a Confession ~ Today the girls played for five minuets or so i thought without me up stairs.. i was putting away washing when i realized i was in the kitchen, they were upstairs … i was alone.. away from them for 5 seconds

What should i do.. wee, drink coffee, take a nap (unrealistic) eat chocolate or better yet pull out the tub of icecream because who cant resist mint icecream at 3 pm in the arvo….  “mummy where are you” Ruby starts yelling..

*Insert eye rolling*…

 in that second i had too lie “fixing your train set” in goes another spoonful of icecream..

Yep it was my escape.. for today any way..  
See im not a social butterfly.. i dont have a million and one mum friends i chat with, wine with, coffee with, or rant with.. infact i dont really have a tribe of mummy friends to call my own its just me day in day out with my block of chocolate.. and whilst im in a lonely place right now I’m thankful for the husband who came home tonight and after putting the girls to bed listened to me sob! 

“Its been a wild day… a long week.. so guess what i did today..” 

.. “hide in the bathroom” he responds..

“Nope..weeing alone was so yesterday.. today it was the tub of ice cream” 😲
#yougottadowhatyougottado right?
We can’t have it all.. unicorns, rainbows… make the cake and eat it… you see im realizing after having a couple weeks of life building up..to find the fine line..

Fine line of me time 

Fine line of letting the house be trashed

Fine line of study

Fine line of giving the kids attention.. fine line of hubby and i time because the line of life in general takes over and its not until its too late you realize … wow thats where those 3kgs came from! 

Ha!

Everything builds up and before you know it your jenga’s falling over..  

But i wanted to share.. not because im putting a wanted ad out there to find my tribe.. not to get attention.. not to say look at me.. but to say despite facebook or my insta stories.. i dont have it together and thats ok..

I learnt tonight that its actually ok to not be ok! 

Its just learning to find that fine line.. 

And you know I hope one day when i find my tribe i can reassure someone that they dont have to be ok either.. 

Being a mum is hard..the demands of our kids, and the expectations of society.. but despite it all… the hard days..the sucky days… the choclate filled days..or hiding downstairs eating icecream days..one day itll all be over and ill be laughing wondeing why i was wishing the days to be over.. 

cry if you need to.. laugh if you need too.. eat chocolate if you need too..vent somehow somewhere if you need too but dont ever forget that somewhere amongst life..theres a fine line..its where you who matters stands! 

so dont let go of your fine line..its ok to not be ok!

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Seasons 

I went walking this morning, got to a intersection, i wanted to go one way, my toddler wanted to go the other, if the baby had been awake she would have no doubt had her say too..

Getting to a crossroad is like passing through another season or even choosing which way to go in that season..if only this mornings walk had been literal in that sense. Id be happy right about now to change the season my family is in. 

In short my head has been in a constant battle with thoughts and feelings lately..ok maybe daily for like the last couple of weeks.. it wasnt until the recent weekend we had away when we went camping and suprise hubby and i got to talk…something that feels like never happens apart from on a “how was work today?” Basis because god forbid you have a meaningful deep conversation when there is kids around #whohastimefordeepshit? 

So here we are talking, tossing ideas and thoughts about our current situation and suddenly something just clicked…suddenly i was at peace about everything that i hated the sound of and suddenly im wondering how on earth it was that easy for our heads to go from feeling muddled up, and cloudy having no freaking idea which path to take, suddenly my head was clear like it had been wiped and it all made complete sense…. 
Yes I sit here and write this and still have a couple of doubts about our recent decisions but you know what… the most part of me is at peace and i think with anything there will always be doubts because were always trying to compare and then fight with pressure its just how it is..its a big season for us making some decisions and for the most part weve been unsure, & fighting everything, a season of no idea. Obviously  we still have to ride this season out but for the most part of it we have a little direction, i know which way to go to hopefully help us finish the season .. during all this someone approached me and said the good old favourite “this too shall pass” they were trying to be helpful but man i hate that phrase who wants to hear it when life sucks? Maybe sympathsize with me and youll be my best friend…but no one really knows what to say when they can see how much life sucks for you…so i took it  and continued on.
Ahh seasons .. you love them you hate them, some are easy and some are freaking hard! 

Whats your season at the moment? 

To the mum whose child is teething this is your season

To the mum whose toddler has learnt what a meltdown is this is your season

To the mum who day in day out is dealing with a physically, or mentally ill child this is your season 

To the mum trying to find her identity this is your season 

To the mum whoses new to this ‘mummy life’ this is your season 

To the mum who works, who stays at home or juggles both this is your season 

To the mum who has just taken on single life this is your season 

To the mum that feels alone this is your season 

To the mum reading this….one of these maybe your current season and man its hard..i hear you… theres no escaping were always in a season….they come and they go..

I currently have a teething baby, its almost been a week of clingyness, crying, irratability, no sleep and a toddler that demands attention  too… on top of that the battle im fighting within my own head about life.. 

Before any of you say it.. i know to some a teething baby is nothing, you live with a sick child day in day out, your battle is probably bigger than mine i shall not compare but i see you and your season is hard too.

Were all at differnet stages, going through our own seasons, dealing with different balls being thrown our way. Maybe its guilt because you work to support your family, maybe its because your a stay at home mum..maybe you should clean the house more, maybe you should get your body into shape, maybe you should rid all the suger in your house, maybe you should try a little harder in your marriage, maybe you should just get dressed today… 
Maybe you should stop worrying, & stop comparing…but maybe you cant do any of it because its a freaking hard season.

Where you are rignt now, your in a season

 – sick children, decision making, marriage failing,

I dont wanna sound like i know it all because i definatly dont and my season still sucks but wow time away helped us we have a new perspective on things and sometimes the sucky season helps you see what you do have and what you can and how easy it is to take things for granted.

My teething baby, im thankful im a stay at home mum I can sit and nurse her all day

Our undesicive few weeks im thankful for because with all the thinking back and forth we now have clear direction by eliminating all those sucky thoughts.

  take some time away, go for a walk, dont feel bad about your midday nap, read a book, have a coffee, sit down and talk with someone, ask for help, accept that this season is hard,  but most of all find it within yourself to be thankful..

 There is something about thankfulness that shifts our perspective from what we do not have, to what we do have.  

So although Your season is hard its beautiful too, although your season sucks and you cant see the light, although your season makes you want to cry, although your season is lonely although your season has only started, although your there in the midst of your season dont stand still, cross the road, keep going..

And im not writting this because of my recent revelation, im writting this to me to encourage me and my hubby to keep going i know come 5 years time we will look on this season and remember it because it was that season amongst others that will get us to where we need to be..

Life is unpredictable 

It changes with the seasons, even your coldest winter happens for the best of reasons, and though it feels eternal, like all youll ever do is freeze, i promise spring is coming and with it, brand new leaves

Your season is hard but man your season is beautiful.

Jess x 

Surrounded by a world with so many people yet we feel so lonely.. 

We build fences higher than our houses

We spend money but not time

We talk with our head and not our heart

We crave connection but turn to screens

We have facebook, instagram, twitter, smart phones. We share exciting status updates, photos, videos, quotes, and smiles…were always updating our lives yet…. just like you i admit i feel lonely too.

I crave connection and wonder if i missed the bus somewhere along the line.

I walk to the park, the shops, up the street, to church of all places and wonder if you feel it too.?

Were always watching each other wondering if we should have or could have, comparing the styled homes, & clever kids yet still we say nothing do we fear judgement, rejection, or do we like our lonely lives..?

Truth be told for me i think i judge too much, unintentional i tell myself im not good enough to talk.. not good enough for that group, not good enough to be heard.. how many others tell themselves that too? Therfore missing the opportunity to make that friend, to connect, to feel a little love.

You know at the end of the day though im a mother and you are no doubt too ..  a tired mother, a mother with many children, a mother with one, a mother with a tantrum throwing child, a mother who longs for a night out, a mother who works, a mother who stays at home. Your a married mum, a single mum, your exhausted, your content.. your a mum and just like me your trying to provide and do your best.

What if though these judgements, these perceptions, of how it looks.. isnt really what it is at all.. what if you just put up that wall thinking someone wasnt like you because of what they shared on social media therfore meaning you dont want to and cant connect.. why do we let silly things get in the way… sometimes when we look deeper .. we are the cause our own lonelliness..too scared and too judgemental

Silly judgements.. yet intamacy goes deeper… deeper than the Facebook or instagram picture, that you just judged them by…

Social media is so bad for comparing and making things look better than what they are ..it sucks and i do it all the time…snap snap snap but no one knows or sees the bigger picture and behind that big picture is the mum trying to pull herself together, counting to 10, screaming inside, behind that photo is a mum like me quick to judge yet the first to feel lonely..

Motherhood isnt meant to be journeyed alone… it shouldnt feel lonely but it does.. because we assume, because we judge, because were scared to reach out. 

In such a socially connected world lets stop comparing by the statuses judging by the photos and reach your hand out..

And maybe today..when your out and about like me you will stop with the categorising and you will smile, nod and say hello.. maybe strike a conversation….

It starts with me, with you.. be willing be open who knows you may make someones day..

And Chances are you could make a friend who may just be as lonely as you. 

Jess x